Word of Wisdom (REVISED EDITION) by Emily Mortensen

A few days ago I posted about how my neighbors might be less concerned if I were growing Anthrax vines in my tiny vineyard because Anthrax is not officially listed as a prohibited substance in the Mormon Word of Wisdom. My great friend, fellow foodie and emerging writer Emily Mortensen sent me her brilliant and hilarious revision of the Word of Wisdom a few weeks ago. She graciously allowed me to post it here:

1.    A Word of Wisdom for the benefit of mankind whether consumed in public houses of eating or as guests or hostess, with a table set with starched white linens or natural fibers; yea, adapted to the capacity of the high and low powered taste buds and olfactory senses, the weak and weakest of all.

2.    Whether food is prepared in copper, stainless steel, or Teflon, name brand or lesser, seasoned or not.

3.    That inasmuch as any among you drink wine and strong drink, behold, it is meet in my sight so long as the vine is well-attended, the workers legal or illegal are paid fair wages and yea, the vine is a good and pure vine and the wine free trade; yea, pure grape of the vine.

4.    And again, strong drinks are for the belly in moderation and for sauces, reductions, mixed drinks, liquors, and to accompany Mexican food and imported cheese.

5.    And again, tobacco is not for the belly but for the heifer or the redneck, yea, with no mind to their health insurance premiums.

6.    And again, hot drinks are not for the belly in July, and must be iced and not, either hot or cold, be tainted by artificial sweeteners, neither saccharin or Sweet and Lo, or Equal, or skim milk or powdered creamer. Yea, it is meet hot drinks require half-and-half and not foul substitutes. Yea, the grain of the sugar cane is meet for the belly, either white, raw or brown, in moderation.

7.    And thy grounds should also be free trade for the wisdom and benefit of all mankind.

8.    And again, wholesome herbs are for the constitution of all mankind, yea, Genoa basil, fresh dill, cilantro, curly leaf parsley, garlic, fresh ground pepper in moderation over fresh pasta or Caesar salad, yea, and every fruit in the season thereof, imported at high fossil fuel expense, though, yea, imported bananas, figs and Clementines are a right of all mankind, no matter their northern or mountain location.

9.    Jello, or any color, is not pleasing to the Lord in any form, neither maraschino cherries, nor Cool Whip, nor marshmallows except while camping. Wo, the wrath the Lord will inflict upon thy self and thy offspring should these be set upon thy table at any season. Neither Yellow #5 nor polysaturated fats nor products deemed “lite.”

10. And again, moderation in all good things of the earth, lo burritos and fish tacos, hummus and caprese, from all ends of the earth.

11. Yes, flesh of the beasts and fowls of the air, those fish unthreatened, used sparingly and grilled carefully, with marinade, yea, or reduction sauce. Yea, Kobe beef is especially pleasing to the Lord.

12. All grain is ordained of the use of mankind and beast, and thy loaves shall by crusty on the outside, airy and chewy on the inside and eaten with butter or olive oil, yea untainted by margarine, yea, generously slathered in honey or fresh jam, marmalade, or preserves pleasing to the palate.

13. Yea, and shall be seeded, sourdough, ciabatta, bagel, baguettes, pita, cracked wheat, 7-grain, biscuit, boule, brioche, croissant,  foccacia, cornbread, rye, or French, yea, sliced or paninis and with or without condiment.

14. It is meet that one should enjoy carbohydrates in all forms, yea, and the one who professes such blasphemy against carbs is the devil’s hairball and should be thrown to the lions, yea, or broiled.

15. But, lo, Diet Coke, Hostess products (except Ding Dongs), neither Wonder Bread nor sugar cereals are not for the body except in moderation and, lo, never, funeral potatoes nor cream of mushroom soup nor casseroles with ambiguous ingredients.

16. And, so it hath been said, milk chocolate is for bed wetter’s, but dark chocolate in abundance does not contain calories.

17. And thou shalt not partake in the trend toward national obesity, and shall increase thy heart rate and altitude regularly.

18. And if thou followest this word of wisdom, behold, vampires shall not suck thy blood or that of thy offspring because thy house shall smell of garlic, sautéed opaque and golden in fine quality olive oil.